Where It’s At

Dear Inner Circle,

A once-young man, well known in his community, fell into a coma after being assaulted. He recovered, but was never the same. All who knew him understood that his new ways were a result of what happened to him, and they in turn learnt new ways to love and accept him. His memories became reduced to a handful of moments, with little ability to form new ones. Each one, though, was seared with the energy of kindness, embodying the wise adage that we will not remember many words spoken to us, but we will always remember those infused with love.

He moves through life habitually and instinctually now and is loved here for being himself, though we never forget what was stolen from him that one vicious night. He doesn’t integrate new data easily, which means his ways of engaging are thoroughly from the 80s. To hear him call out ‘hey darl’! is to know that he means it with genuine affection and his repeated punchlines to rusty old jokes teach us grace and attentive patience.

When his care arrangements require him to move premises, it has a devastating effect on him. In neighbourhoods where he isn’t known, he moves from being a local icon (in all its glorious original meaning: an image in whose presence we are transformed) to a local idiosyncrasy. He becomes an object of derision rather than a friend who teaches us far more than we could teach him.

Those who do not change for us confront us, don’t they? We seek to push them away or see their difference as deviance, wishing they would just be “normal” again.

I sat with another young man who, three years after the loss of the love of his life, still hasn’t “got over it”. What a terrible phrase that is. Whenever we meet, I deviate from my usual double espresso and purchase large coffees, we sit and sip patiently as he shares their beautiful love story over again. Very few words come from my end, just the reassurance that he isn’t broken, that what he expresses does not make him “wrong”, and a reminder that he needs to be amongst people who know him deeply. His regular tears and broken heart are symbols of a love that was real and everlasting.

How might the world we desire arrive, unless ushered in by people who stop us in our auto-pilot tracks and challenge us to make room for it?

It’s a good reminder when I walk with our local icon, gently steering conversations and redirecting energy, knowing that loving someone means meeting them exactly where they are, outdated flirtations and all. We don’t love people despite who they’ve changed, or not – we love them more fully because of it.

Thank you for being part of the Inner Circle,

Jon